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How To Survive Coachella 2012

I’ve been trolling websites for months in anticipation of what is to be a HOT (literally) and crazy wicked weekend of music.

I will impart my wisdom to you here in the hopes that I can at the least save you some time on your Coachella prep.

You are all adults, hopefully, and I’m guessing you realize the importance of a toothbrush and other such toiletries on a weekend such as this. Also a good idea to bring some Icy-Hot if you plan on fist-pumping your arm out of its socket or carrying a 75-pound indie chick on your shoulders.

Aside from those essentials, here are some of my top picks of things to bring with you to survive Coachella these next two weekends.

#1 “BEER”

You are allowed to bring a case of beer, per person, to the camp sites. I strongly advise bringing that ONE case. If your carpool passengers don’t drink, lucky you, you get an extra case…or four!

TIP: Find some nice Mormons migrating to the festival and offer them a ride. Their bodies allot you more beer and equal hundreds of potential dollars saved on not having to buy your booze from the over-priced vendors.

#2 Ironic Facial Hair or Floppy Hat

Guys, if you haven’t started growing your handlebar mustache by now, you may be a little late. Perhaps a last minute smearing of Rogaine on that baby-bottom-smooth mug will result in at least a five o’clock shadow by game day.

Ladies, you’re in luck, floppy hats are EVERYWHERE and you can find one easily at your local boutique. Unfortunately, I can’t help with the feeling of being a poseur if you don’t already wear floppy hats. At least you have an option outside of the fedora, so thank God for that.

#3 Manage Your Expectations

When you saw that EPIC lineup your head almost exploded. Your expectations should be high, but it is important to realize that it is physically impossible to be in two or more places at one time.

The sooner you realize this, the sooner you can put your frustration aside at being forced to choose between one performance or another.

TIP: At some point get drunk enough where you don’t actually care if you are facing a stage, and only worry about the fact that there is sound coming from a speaker somewhere in the Coachella Valley.


Drink it, lots of it. You don’t want to be “that guy” who passes out in the middle of a once in a lifetime set because you forgot to drink water.

Bud Light, although it tastes like water, isn’t actually a water substitute.

TIP: Beer, water, beer, water, water, beer. Works like a dream.

#5 Embrace being a Sweaty Beast…to an Extent!

Check the weather report? It’s going to be hot as F%CK! Find a shower at some point. Pleeease don’t be one of those people who function under the theory of “why bother, I’m just gonna get dirty again.”

TIP: If you can’t fathom waiting in line to take a shower, give yourself a hippy rub down with a flurry of baby wipes.

#6 Go WILD!

The most important thing to remember at Coachella, is not to forget to go bat-shit crazy. Why go into the desert to be your daily, lame, suit-wearing self? This is a once in a lifetime (ok, once a year) event, and you should take full-advantage of everything that this magical festival has to offer.


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